Date: 10/12/2011
Time: (first entry) 1:06pm; 11:22pm
State: (first entry) Buzzed and Stressed. Limbo-y feeling; Lethargic
Mood: (first entry) content; happy.
Events:
(first entry)
I woke up. Picked up my phone and read a facebook message Lion sent me. Got dressed. Prayed quickly in my heart. Went to the library to print papers. Went to my writing class. Went to my american studies class and turned in my paper. Went to the dining hall for breakfast. Talked with Salvador and sat with other people. Biked home. Passed a lot of IVTCF members and said hi. Went in my dorm and downloaded music. Here now.
(second entry)
I went to my cinema class. I took GOOD notes. I watched the film. After the film, i went to go and eat. I ate alone. When i was done eating alone, i went back up to my dorm. I was lurking facebook and tumblr. Lion sent me a message on facebook. I replied. He then emailed me a letter on yahoo. I replied. I went to SBG Atheletes in Action performance. After that, i walked with Gabby to eat at EVK. Saw and met Kimana. Reconnected with Justin from since the first week of school. Finished my dinner, then left to go back to my dorm. Took a shower, now i'm here.
Thoughts:
(first entry)
I woke up and when i saw the facebook icon on my phone, i knew he replied. I told him that i missed him too, and his reply was "thank you :) that made my day" I smiled on the inside. I'm glad it did. But it made me briefly wonder how many times a day he checked his facebook and mail just to see if i messaged him. Hm. Nevertheless, i needed to trudge on. I had to finish this week in preparation for next week. Which will be HELL WEEK. I got dressed and was hyper quick, in my not thinking mode only because last night, i left the library at 2am and then didnt finish my paper till 330 so that meant i had only 4 hours of sleep. So i forgot to read my bible and pray and before i could have the chance to do so in peace, i didnt have time so i said a quick prayer in my heart and was out the door. I biked to the library with a mission. To print my papers. That went well. Smoother than all the other times the printer would have stupid technical difficulties. After printing, i went to my writing class and received my second grade on my second writing assignment. B MINUS! I'm very happy. My first one i got a C. But i pushed through this one, and managed to scratch out a B-. Now, for the next one, which is more heavily weighed, i have to ABSOLUTELY kickass. Now that midterms and finals are becoming an ever present reality with only a month left roughly of the semester, i had to kick ass in everything i did. That started with prioritizing. I walked over to my next class and turned in my paper happily. One paper out of the way. PHEW! After that class, i went to have breakfast at the dining hall. I was in line for waffles when one of my friends Salvador walked up to me saying, "Hey photoshop." (that's my nickname) i said hello and before we knew it, we both were bonding over our past relationships and breakups. I didnt open up too much about Lion, but i got just enough out there for him to empathize with me. It was nice. Not being closed up for once. Him and I sat down at a table where there were 4 other girls and somehow the topic of religion came up. It stared out with Catholicism and before i knew it, we were having a full blown discussion. Nothing to really get into, but the only significant thing that i noticed while sitting there and discussing Islam, was that i wasnt thinking about Lion. This was getting scarily easier and easier. I didnt know if it was a good thing or bad thing. That would mean to get close to God i had to ignore Lion? No--i didnt want that. I guess i still need to build a foundation of ok-ness when we dont talk. I think that is the point of this week. But i ramble. Oh well. After eating, i bid them all goodbye and started riding back to my dorm. It was beautiful afternoon. I saw people of my christian IVTCF group and said hi to all of them. They're so amazing. They're like my second family. THose happy thoughts surrounded my mind as i rode back dopeily to my dorm. I got inside my dorm and decided to download music onto my phone. For the first time in a long time, i was truly excited to listen to music again. I found a new band. I found a new sound that i used to visit in the past and i was infatuated with it. Along with that feeling of innovation, i felt renewed. With my life, what i want to do. JOURNALISM AND ANTHRO DOUBLE MAJOR. I want to get into the Annenberg school and excel. Then study journalism at Columbia University. I have NO IDEA, where this is all coming from. But I feel God was moving. He was moving. I need to keep "BEING STILL" when I am still, he MOVES. There is unity. As i type this, i am smiling like a dope. This is Good.
(second entry)
Cinema was strangely good today. I actually was able to RETAIN information. That is a rare rare occurence for me. My goodness. The film however, was a different story. It was horrid and slow and boring and i was falling in and out of consciousness. One thing i will never do again--is take a cinema class. Off cinema for GOOD. For LIFE. After cinema, i ran my ass to eat. I just chugged down burger and fries. I didnt even try to eat healthy. My beautiful metabolism will hopefully keep it all off. Right after pigging out i went to dawdle on facebook for a while before my gospel choir performance later that evening. I played poke tag with Lion but i wasn't online and i kept on logging in and out because once, i thought i was done recieving notifications, my phone would vibrate telling me a i had a new notification. So i was in and out. Right as i was already going down the stairs, leaving to go to my performace Lion sent me another message. Asking me if because he talked to me yesterday, a few more days would be taken off from talking to him. He sounded almost discouraged. What a cutie pie. I told him No! Not the case. In fact, my original plan was to call him tonight, but my performance came up. So that was a no go. But i will call him tomorrow. That would mean that this entries might just end. These entries in particular were to show my progress from this week. As you can see, my anxiety and fear of losing Lion and letting him go has left me a greater deal than i thought it would. Dont get me wrong! It's still there, but these past couple days have been greatly insightful. I dont think i'm quite done with these entries. I suppose i'd like to look at them in the future. BUT I DIGRESS. As i rode my bike to the auditorium, i received another message from Lion. It was of his personal essay prompt. He wrote about me. It was a wonderful essay. Wonderful. It made me feel overwhelmed for getting such a positive light. I'm not used to it--in fact i don't think i deserve the recognition. But nevertheless i thanked him, but told him i didnt deserve it.
Something in that made me feel different. I was taking a different approach to Lion. Tomorrow once i talk to him, i will have to audibly tell myself. "BE STILL" i have learned what it's like to do that without talking to him, now i have to learn to do it, while talking to him. I have to learn it. Until God decides what he's going to do with the both of us. For now, Lion and I enjoy each other's companies as friends.
I DIGRESS AGAIN
The performance was wonderful. We sang 5 songs for the Atheletes in USC that are God believers. Their favorite was "Oh how i love Jesus" And personally, it's my favorite. I feel like my voice reaches the mountaintops when i sing out loud for Him. He is so good. I cannot ever forget that. A guy walked up to me, shook my hand and thanked me for singing tonight and that was heart-warming to know that someone appreciated my group's gifts.
After the performance, i went and had dinner with Gabby and i met with her other Nigerian friend Kimana. Admist meeting her new friend, i reconnected with Justin. A guy from the first week of school at my college. It was great. We established a dinner date with my friend Steph. After that wonderful excursion, i found myself getting closer and closer to Gabby. We're like good friends now. I'm happy that things traveled so fast. Things are definitely looking up. I feel freer. I feel happier. I feel like with God, i can do anything. Even with my grades. I can do this. I can do this.
Final Thoughts: TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY. And Dicaprio never replied. What-ever.:P
Taking the creativity of a supposedly naive, irrational teen and putting it into words.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday
Date 10/11/2011
Time: 10:22am; 11:36pm
State: (first entry) Awake, but sleep sounds good though; fully awake
Mood: (first entry) Somewhat melancholy but pensive; relived and very happy
Events:
(first entry)
I woke up. Got myself dressed then went into the bathroom to do my hair. I went back into my room and read the bible. Read Song of Songs by Solomon. I looked up the message in there on the internet on my phone. Talked to myself, talked to God rather. Got all my stuff and biked over to the bio lab hall. Sat in the hallway on the stairs next to Randall. We talked about the lab test. Received the raw scores back. Put away my test, worked on the lab. Collaborated. Left the lab room and went to go and eat. Ate by myself. Left the dining hall. Now i'm here.
(second entry)
I wasted more of my time on the computer. Then i went to bio lecture. Decided to work on my essay in there. Texted Mo, to let her know that i wanted her editing help. I came out from Bio lecture, talked to Randall for a bit, then biked to the dining hall to get food. Ate my food alone then went back to my dorm. Sang the song from Gospel choir and went to the singing room to practice. Took a nap. Checked facebook. Listened to music while i lulled to sleep again. Woke up and checked my bio grade. Read my american studies book for black social movements. Devised a studying time for this weekend. Went to go and have dinner. Talked to Kevin and his friend about college. Checked my facebook again. Left the dining hall and talked to my roommate about my major. Left my dorm and biked to Leavey Library. Now i'm here waiting for Mo to come back so that we can edit my paper.
Thought and Emotions:
(first entry)
Waking up at 650 is a BITCH. I have no idea why though. I used to wake up by 5:45 last year in high school and i'd be somewhat ok. Now waking up at this hour makes me wanna throw a shoe at the sun, or at myself for signing up for an 8 o clock class. I am definitely going to avoid those next semester. Which reminds me, i gotta start planning for next semester. Pre-med track...i dont know if i want to do that anymore...But i DIGRESS. I got up and dressed myself. The first thing that came to my mind? Last night. I sat down with the bible open and sat there telling God, "I'm listening." i heard the sound of frequency in my ears and a steady drum coming from overhead. Other than that, i didnt hear anything. I read the bible, didnt really understand what it meant, but nevertheless went to bed with God in my heart. I woke up and listened for the steady drum, i didnt hear it anymore. As i dressed myself i started back up the similar thought process that i've had since that Saturday. Why am i doing this? Arent i already close to God? I can balance both Lion and God. I am letting God take control. Maybe i'm not supposed to do this, maybe my instincts are all off. Before my mind could lose control, i stopped and put on my pants slowly. And i reminded myself. "Be still." But despite saying all that, i suddenly felt like i needed help. I am doing this all by myself and i feel like i'm so lost. I wanted to go on the internet and find maybe an outreach group to anonymously email. But then i decided against it, because i wanted to study really quickly before my quiz this morning. I walked back into my room and was going to study, but then something in my heart told me that in today's quiz i will be fine. Instead, look at the bible. So i did my routine approach to the bible. Sit down, close my eyes and ask God to speak to me. I did that and when i opened the book it was in the chapter of Song of Songs by Solomon. That was the WEIRDEST chapter for me. I didnt ever know what to make of it. It was always talking about women and their breasts being like clusters of grapes and such and i'm like...ok? How am i supposed to feel about this? Neverthless, i started up in chapter seven and kept reading until i got to chapter 8 verse 4. My eyes literally widened. This is what it said. "Young Women of Jerusalem: I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time." I sat there for a couple moments. I read on, but from that point on, anything else after that verse was irrelvant. "Oh, ok God." i literally said out loud. I closed the bible and began searching for interpretation. I knew my mind was going into denial mode. I didnt want it to be literal, and if it was literal, i wanted a clearer version of what it meant. I found an article on the internet, and it was a women commenting on how love is supposed to be patient and you are to wait for God's time for it. There is a time and place for everything. We often as humans try to compromise it into our own hands for instant gratification.
LE FUCKING SIGH. There was no denying that he was speaking directly to me. I couldnt deny it.
I walked out of my dorm and was talking to God. I told him to give me patience. I even told God give Lion independence from me, because a part of my happiness was that i would know that Lion needed me, so i told God not to give me that satisfaction. If it hurts to know that he doesnt, then he doesnt, but i'll live. I just need patience. So on my biking to class, i decided to "be still". I am not going to wonder and question and writhe in pain about whether Lion and I will make it in the future. I will be still and let God tell me. I went to lab and for the most part that tidbit of my morning was still in place. Until i recieved my raw score of my lab test. Average. I just need to know the actual letter grade before i can chill out. But i trust in the Lord. I prayed for a B minus because he knew how under prepared i was for the exam, but His will, will be done. I cannot fight it. I have to again, "BE STILL."
(second entry)
Before bio lecture, i decided to practice the gospel song. While i was singing, i felt free and that feeling of letting go of Lion wasnt bothering me so much anymore. It was strange but i went along with it. However, bio class was ri fucking diculous. No lie. Today we switched professors. He was a middle aged guy from Liverpool, England. Cool accent, a bit watered down by the American one though. Somehow, i thought that his diverse accent would translate into a more interesting lecture. HELL NO. I was gone within 10 minutes. He droned on and on and on, to the point of my fatigue taking over and i stopped typing notes. I will just read the chapter myself. He was ridiculous. After spending an hour nodding in and out of the class, and my mind diverting to other things, such as my horrid bio grade, i decided to take the last 20 minutes of lecture to finish up my essay for my class tomorrow. That went well. Then i scheduled a time with Mo, so that she could help me edit. I felt productive. As soon as the lecture ended, i talked to Randall about the class and we both came to the consensus that the rest of the semester was going to be a long drawn out one. This segment was going to require a lot of self discipline in the readings. Not so much on paying attention. I bid him goodbye then biked over to the dining hall where i ate my dinner alone. Like usual. I sat there and literally contemplated nothing. One thing i did notice though? That ever since the morning, my mind on Lion had dwindled down. The longing that i had on Sunday and on Monday had dwindled down. Now i could think about him with a slightly less bitter outlook yay! It was God putting it on my heart of course. I think as the week goes by, it'll get easier. Maybe. After dinner i went back into my room and took a nap. I wanted about an hour of sleep, but i got 2 hours instead. My body was like, "if you're going to be up tonight then you better get your sleep in right now." So i did. Right when i woke up, i finally decided to go and check my bio lab grade. NOT GOOD AT ALL. In fact, in the next couple weeks, i need to haul ass just to get a B minus because there is no way i want a C on my record. NO WAY. Fear literally struck me. Failure. Fear. Then i put my foot down. I want to be a journalism minor. Or double major in anthro and journalism. I didnt even fucking know what i was doing in this Bio class and hating it, while struggling. How would i even begin to make a career out of this? No. So i went to dinner to untangle my thoughts and while i was sitting down and enjoying my soup and bread, i read facebook on my phone. Lion was liking all of my posts, my comments. A Sign. He misses me. My heart melted and i wanted so bad to talk to him, but i had to fight myself. I had to figure things out first and "be still" before i go back to conversing with him. Then i saw a video he was tagged in, him with long hair and i melted even more. And if to slap me across the face, he made a post about me (he didnt use my name) saying that he missed me and he put on yahoo, "i love you" i couldn't take it. I replied on facebook telling him i missed him too. A bad move i guess, but i at least wanted him to know that i did miss him. I didn't want him to feel under-acknowledged. Although i felt this feeling of love for him, it was significantly different than the clingy-ness and want and need for him to need me like on Sunday. I don't know, i still have some contemplating to do.
As for now, i need to focus on two things. TWO HUGE THINGS.
GOD AND SCHOOL.
Holy shit school. I had a talk with a guy about the outlook of college and he gave me a crapload of advice. It calmed me down loads, after sitting down and fretting about it over my soup. I will make it. I know what i want.
Final Thoughts: (crap i forgot to put in final thoughts, guess i was just too frazzled to have any. Well putting in one now will totally kill credibility --10/12)
Time: 10:22am; 11:36pm
State: (first entry) Awake, but sleep sounds good though; fully awake
Mood: (first entry) Somewhat melancholy but pensive; relived and very happy
Events:
(first entry)
I woke up. Got myself dressed then went into the bathroom to do my hair. I went back into my room and read the bible. Read Song of Songs by Solomon. I looked up the message in there on the internet on my phone. Talked to myself, talked to God rather. Got all my stuff and biked over to the bio lab hall. Sat in the hallway on the stairs next to Randall. We talked about the lab test. Received the raw scores back. Put away my test, worked on the lab. Collaborated. Left the lab room and went to go and eat. Ate by myself. Left the dining hall. Now i'm here.
(second entry)
I wasted more of my time on the computer. Then i went to bio lecture. Decided to work on my essay in there. Texted Mo, to let her know that i wanted her editing help. I came out from Bio lecture, talked to Randall for a bit, then biked to the dining hall to get food. Ate my food alone then went back to my dorm. Sang the song from Gospel choir and went to the singing room to practice. Took a nap. Checked facebook. Listened to music while i lulled to sleep again. Woke up and checked my bio grade. Read my american studies book for black social movements. Devised a studying time for this weekend. Went to go and have dinner. Talked to Kevin and his friend about college. Checked my facebook again. Left the dining hall and talked to my roommate about my major. Left my dorm and biked to Leavey Library. Now i'm here waiting for Mo to come back so that we can edit my paper.
Thought and Emotions:
(first entry)
Waking up at 650 is a BITCH. I have no idea why though. I used to wake up by 5:45 last year in high school and i'd be somewhat ok. Now waking up at this hour makes me wanna throw a shoe at the sun, or at myself for signing up for an 8 o clock class. I am definitely going to avoid those next semester. Which reminds me, i gotta start planning for next semester. Pre-med track...i dont know if i want to do that anymore...But i DIGRESS. I got up and dressed myself. The first thing that came to my mind? Last night. I sat down with the bible open and sat there telling God, "I'm listening." i heard the sound of frequency in my ears and a steady drum coming from overhead. Other than that, i didnt hear anything. I read the bible, didnt really understand what it meant, but nevertheless went to bed with God in my heart. I woke up and listened for the steady drum, i didnt hear it anymore. As i dressed myself i started back up the similar thought process that i've had since that Saturday. Why am i doing this? Arent i already close to God? I can balance both Lion and God. I am letting God take control. Maybe i'm not supposed to do this, maybe my instincts are all off. Before my mind could lose control, i stopped and put on my pants slowly. And i reminded myself. "Be still." But despite saying all that, i suddenly felt like i needed help. I am doing this all by myself and i feel like i'm so lost. I wanted to go on the internet and find maybe an outreach group to anonymously email. But then i decided against it, because i wanted to study really quickly before my quiz this morning. I walked back into my room and was going to study, but then something in my heart told me that in today's quiz i will be fine. Instead, look at the bible. So i did my routine approach to the bible. Sit down, close my eyes and ask God to speak to me. I did that and when i opened the book it was in the chapter of Song of Songs by Solomon. That was the WEIRDEST chapter for me. I didnt ever know what to make of it. It was always talking about women and their breasts being like clusters of grapes and such and i'm like...ok? How am i supposed to feel about this? Neverthless, i started up in chapter seven and kept reading until i got to chapter 8 verse 4. My eyes literally widened. This is what it said. "Young Women of Jerusalem: I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time." I sat there for a couple moments. I read on, but from that point on, anything else after that verse was irrelvant. "Oh, ok God." i literally said out loud. I closed the bible and began searching for interpretation. I knew my mind was going into denial mode. I didnt want it to be literal, and if it was literal, i wanted a clearer version of what it meant. I found an article on the internet, and it was a women commenting on how love is supposed to be patient and you are to wait for God's time for it. There is a time and place for everything. We often as humans try to compromise it into our own hands for instant gratification.
LE FUCKING SIGH. There was no denying that he was speaking directly to me. I couldnt deny it.
I walked out of my dorm and was talking to God. I told him to give me patience. I even told God give Lion independence from me, because a part of my happiness was that i would know that Lion needed me, so i told God not to give me that satisfaction. If it hurts to know that he doesnt, then he doesnt, but i'll live. I just need patience. So on my biking to class, i decided to "be still". I am not going to wonder and question and writhe in pain about whether Lion and I will make it in the future. I will be still and let God tell me. I went to lab and for the most part that tidbit of my morning was still in place. Until i recieved my raw score of my lab test. Average. I just need to know the actual letter grade before i can chill out. But i trust in the Lord. I prayed for a B minus because he knew how under prepared i was for the exam, but His will, will be done. I cannot fight it. I have to again, "BE STILL."
(second entry)
Before bio lecture, i decided to practice the gospel song. While i was singing, i felt free and that feeling of letting go of Lion wasnt bothering me so much anymore. It was strange but i went along with it. However, bio class was ri fucking diculous. No lie. Today we switched professors. He was a middle aged guy from Liverpool, England. Cool accent, a bit watered down by the American one though. Somehow, i thought that his diverse accent would translate into a more interesting lecture. HELL NO. I was gone within 10 minutes. He droned on and on and on, to the point of my fatigue taking over and i stopped typing notes. I will just read the chapter myself. He was ridiculous. After spending an hour nodding in and out of the class, and my mind diverting to other things, such as my horrid bio grade, i decided to take the last 20 minutes of lecture to finish up my essay for my class tomorrow. That went well. Then i scheduled a time with Mo, so that she could help me edit. I felt productive. As soon as the lecture ended, i talked to Randall about the class and we both came to the consensus that the rest of the semester was going to be a long drawn out one. This segment was going to require a lot of self discipline in the readings. Not so much on paying attention. I bid him goodbye then biked over to the dining hall where i ate my dinner alone. Like usual. I sat there and literally contemplated nothing. One thing i did notice though? That ever since the morning, my mind on Lion had dwindled down. The longing that i had on Sunday and on Monday had dwindled down. Now i could think about him with a slightly less bitter outlook yay! It was God putting it on my heart of course. I think as the week goes by, it'll get easier. Maybe. After dinner i went back into my room and took a nap. I wanted about an hour of sleep, but i got 2 hours instead. My body was like, "if you're going to be up tonight then you better get your sleep in right now." So i did. Right when i woke up, i finally decided to go and check my bio lab grade. NOT GOOD AT ALL. In fact, in the next couple weeks, i need to haul ass just to get a B minus because there is no way i want a C on my record. NO WAY. Fear literally struck me. Failure. Fear. Then i put my foot down. I want to be a journalism minor. Or double major in anthro and journalism. I didnt even fucking know what i was doing in this Bio class and hating it, while struggling. How would i even begin to make a career out of this? No. So i went to dinner to untangle my thoughts and while i was sitting down and enjoying my soup and bread, i read facebook on my phone. Lion was liking all of my posts, my comments. A Sign. He misses me. My heart melted and i wanted so bad to talk to him, but i had to fight myself. I had to figure things out first and "be still" before i go back to conversing with him. Then i saw a video he was tagged in, him with long hair and i melted even more. And if to slap me across the face, he made a post about me (he didnt use my name) saying that he missed me and he put on yahoo, "i love you" i couldn't take it. I replied on facebook telling him i missed him too. A bad move i guess, but i at least wanted him to know that i did miss him. I didn't want him to feel under-acknowledged. Although i felt this feeling of love for him, it was significantly different than the clingy-ness and want and need for him to need me like on Sunday. I don't know, i still have some contemplating to do.
As for now, i need to focus on two things. TWO HUGE THINGS.
GOD AND SCHOOL.
Holy shit school. I had a talk with a guy about the outlook of college and he gave me a crapload of advice. It calmed me down loads, after sitting down and fretting about it over my soup. I will make it. I know what i want.
Final Thoughts: (crap i forgot to put in final thoughts, guess i was just too frazzled to have any. Well putting in one now will totally kill credibility --10/12)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday
Date: 10/10/2011
Time: (first entry) 12:24pm; 10:27pm
State: (first entry) Awake, somewhat wanting a nap; stagnant
Mood: (first entry) pensive; enlightened
Events:
(first entry)
Woke up by 750. Heard my roommate jump because of my loud alarm and she dropped her phone with exclaiming "oh shit" I laid in bed for 10 minutes talking to God in my heart. I asked him how the day was going to be. To bless it. To help me focus. I got up by 800. Fiddled with what i was going to wear. Put my hair up in a bun and was off. Got to my class 15 minutes early. We sat there for 50 minutes learning about the schools library database. (apparently theres close to a half million of them). Went to my my black social movements class. She spoke for an hour and 20 minutes. I walked over to EVK to eat. They had waffle mix. Ate waffles. Sat with Victor. Then Asha came to sit with me. We talked. I borrowed her course reader to read for this afternoon. Now contemplating a nap again.
(second entry)
Took a nap. Woke up and started working on my essay. Went on facebook and trolled kiki's page. After that i went to go and eat. I sat with Johanna and her friend Hennsi. After eating, i went back up into my room to study then by 7pm i went to go to gospel choir. First there was a mini sermon, then we sang new and old songs. I went back to the dining hall for some last minute food and ran into Will and Asha, and two other nice people. Will and I had a good talk. He walked me back to my dorm, and i told him to pass out flyers of the upcoming talent show for my choir. He took the flyers and passed them out while we exchanged room numbers. I went back into my room. Now im typing.
Thoughts:
(first entry)
I woke up and when i heard my roomie exclaimed "oh shit" i smiled a little then laid back down in bed. Immediately my mind was reverted back to Lion. Here we go. My brain sighed. Is it going to be like this all week? Nothing but this sad lamentation for him instead of focusing on other things. I have a 5 page essay due in two days. I need to start contemplating that--instead of my feelings. I decided to pray in my heart to God. I asked him, whatever you want between Lion and me, settle it. You are God of time and speed, you do everything in your own manner. So i got up and dressed myself. Trying to calm my nerves and put myself into working mode. I got to my first class and waited for my profesor to come in. He's a goodlooking guy. Young. Biracial. I didnt have any attraction towards him, but everyday i looked at how he dressed himself. He was a hipster type. Everything from button ups to Gap sweaters. He went to Brown university. Even more respect for the guy. The class was in the library, learning about databases. Boring stuff. I was not there in the mind. Despite the fact i was taking notes. My thoughts were on last night. I was disgusted with myself mostly. I cant believe i even CONTEMPLATED that i would make out with C.H. It made my flesh crawl. I probably let myself get my brain to that untouched corridor of my frontal lobes. Never again. I went to my next class. Even worse. The profesor was very REDUNDANT. My brain would not stay focused. I zoned in and out. My eyes grew heavier and heavier. Then i re-opened them. I contemplated how i was going to start this paper. I had no idea. Brushed off that thought. Got annoyed again at Lion. Then i started to wonder if i had ever made the right choice breaking up with him. C.H.s words rang out to me randomly, "If you cant work on stuff together then you shouldnt be in a relationship with that person at all." Oh ok. So then, Lion and I were never meant to be? Fine. Whatever. I'll just go throw up now. Le sigh. Went to go and eat breakfast. Made my waffle and sat with Victor. He's a bit hard of hearing apparently. It was like i was on repeat for the first 15 minutes. Told him about my fairly new weed experience. Asha came and sat with us. We talked. Nothing special. Borowed a course reader so that i could catch up on reading. Left the dining hall and walked through Trojan grounds. The sun was up high, i looked at the green grass. All the students, walking, skateboarding, longboarding, biking and such and in the background was the sound of the 12 o clock grandfather bell bonging like it was the middle of an Ivy League campus in 1989 during the time of the Dead Poets Society. I finally looked up at the campus. Saw the ivy colored brick buildings, the fall leaves falling on the walkway and grass. The classic ancient private school look that the school had. I suddenly felt like a college student. This was my school.
(Second entry)
Basically anything before gospel choir was irrelvant. I was on a music high. I felt myself falling into the music rush again. I hadnt listened to music in a while and my spirits were a bit low. So i plugged in my ipod and did the work. On top of that, i wanted to come to gospel choir. So by 645 i was out the door and heading towards the choir bowl to start off another great evening with blasting my pipes, learning and getting close to God. The sermon was heaven sent. Literally. The theme. Letting God take control. The sermon leader read Psalm 46. In where it starts off as "God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble." Then second she told us to start writing down what keeps us from letting God take control. My mind VEERED back to Lion. I wanted so much to keep the relationship that i have with Lion that i was willing to control it. It was a thought that crossed my mind yesterday and a thought that crossed me all day today. But it was like, God was like, "STOP RIGHT THERE CHILD." The sermon leader used a car analogy as an example of us humans and the God dynamic. She said, "imagine that you are sitting in the passenger seat while the maker of your benz is driving, but you want to intercede and drive it instead." That struck me like a chord. Another girl said, "people like to think that when you let God take control you can have gray. There is no gray. Letting God take control is a black and white matter. You either let him in or you dont." RING. STRIKE. Another point made was, "How do you treat people that you dont trust?" Immediately that one hit the nail on the head. I want to take control, because i dont TRUST in God. I dont. I say that i do, i preach it, i pray it. Yet, i wont let him have this little part of my life, because I THINK i know better. Without the trust, the communication is hindered. The dynamic is lost. From right then, i knew what i had to do--but again, i didnt know how. I guess it's only Monday. I have more contemplation and praying to do.
But of course, we sang and once again my spirits were uplifted. RIght after, i went to go get a bite to eat and met up with Asha, two other people and more importantly, Will. I havent spoken to him since the first couple weeks of school and tonight was the first night since then. He sat down and within minutes we were joking. Even Asha was like, "You guys are like, best friends how have you guys not have met?" Will and I just stared at each other and laughed, because we had fooled her into thinking that we had never met each other in our whole lives. Even though we were rattling off random infomation about each other that we learned all those weeks ago. He walked me back up to my dorm and helped me out with passing out flyers. I dont know what to make of him yet. I dont plan to make of anything. I just feel like God's message was loud and clear. Like it says in the bible, i have to hold still. Hold still and do nothing while God is readying himself to give me the go. So right now, everything is on hold. The only thing not on hold is this essay.
Le sigh. Finish now...
Final Thoughts: I invited DiCaprio to the gospel choir concert. Why? I dont know.
Time: (first entry) 12:24pm; 10:27pm
State: (first entry) Awake, somewhat wanting a nap; stagnant
Mood: (first entry) pensive; enlightened
Events:
(first entry)
Woke up by 750. Heard my roommate jump because of my loud alarm and she dropped her phone with exclaiming "oh shit" I laid in bed for 10 minutes talking to God in my heart. I asked him how the day was going to be. To bless it. To help me focus. I got up by 800. Fiddled with what i was going to wear. Put my hair up in a bun and was off. Got to my class 15 minutes early. We sat there for 50 minutes learning about the schools library database. (apparently theres close to a half million of them). Went to my my black social movements class. She spoke for an hour and 20 minutes. I walked over to EVK to eat. They had waffle mix. Ate waffles. Sat with Victor. Then Asha came to sit with me. We talked. I borrowed her course reader to read for this afternoon. Now contemplating a nap again.
(second entry)
Took a nap. Woke up and started working on my essay. Went on facebook and trolled kiki's page. After that i went to go and eat. I sat with Johanna and her friend Hennsi. After eating, i went back up into my room to study then by 7pm i went to go to gospel choir. First there was a mini sermon, then we sang new and old songs. I went back to the dining hall for some last minute food and ran into Will and Asha, and two other nice people. Will and I had a good talk. He walked me back to my dorm, and i told him to pass out flyers of the upcoming talent show for my choir. He took the flyers and passed them out while we exchanged room numbers. I went back into my room. Now im typing.
Thoughts:
(first entry)
I woke up and when i heard my roomie exclaimed "oh shit" i smiled a little then laid back down in bed. Immediately my mind was reverted back to Lion. Here we go. My brain sighed. Is it going to be like this all week? Nothing but this sad lamentation for him instead of focusing on other things. I have a 5 page essay due in two days. I need to start contemplating that--instead of my feelings. I decided to pray in my heart to God. I asked him, whatever you want between Lion and me, settle it. You are God of time and speed, you do everything in your own manner. So i got up and dressed myself. Trying to calm my nerves and put myself into working mode. I got to my first class and waited for my profesor to come in. He's a goodlooking guy. Young. Biracial. I didnt have any attraction towards him, but everyday i looked at how he dressed himself. He was a hipster type. Everything from button ups to Gap sweaters. He went to Brown university. Even more respect for the guy. The class was in the library, learning about databases. Boring stuff. I was not there in the mind. Despite the fact i was taking notes. My thoughts were on last night. I was disgusted with myself mostly. I cant believe i even CONTEMPLATED that i would make out with C.H. It made my flesh crawl. I probably let myself get my brain to that untouched corridor of my frontal lobes. Never again. I went to my next class. Even worse. The profesor was very REDUNDANT. My brain would not stay focused. I zoned in and out. My eyes grew heavier and heavier. Then i re-opened them. I contemplated how i was going to start this paper. I had no idea. Brushed off that thought. Got annoyed again at Lion. Then i started to wonder if i had ever made the right choice breaking up with him. C.H.s words rang out to me randomly, "If you cant work on stuff together then you shouldnt be in a relationship with that person at all." Oh ok. So then, Lion and I were never meant to be? Fine. Whatever. I'll just go throw up now. Le sigh. Went to go and eat breakfast. Made my waffle and sat with Victor. He's a bit hard of hearing apparently. It was like i was on repeat for the first 15 minutes. Told him about my fairly new weed experience. Asha came and sat with us. We talked. Nothing special. Borowed a course reader so that i could catch up on reading. Left the dining hall and walked through Trojan grounds. The sun was up high, i looked at the green grass. All the students, walking, skateboarding, longboarding, biking and such and in the background was the sound of the 12 o clock grandfather bell bonging like it was the middle of an Ivy League campus in 1989 during the time of the Dead Poets Society. I finally looked up at the campus. Saw the ivy colored brick buildings, the fall leaves falling on the walkway and grass. The classic ancient private school look that the school had. I suddenly felt like a college student. This was my school.
(Second entry)
Basically anything before gospel choir was irrelvant. I was on a music high. I felt myself falling into the music rush again. I hadnt listened to music in a while and my spirits were a bit low. So i plugged in my ipod and did the work. On top of that, i wanted to come to gospel choir. So by 645 i was out the door and heading towards the choir bowl to start off another great evening with blasting my pipes, learning and getting close to God. The sermon was heaven sent. Literally. The theme. Letting God take control. The sermon leader read Psalm 46. In where it starts off as "God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble." Then second she told us to start writing down what keeps us from letting God take control. My mind VEERED back to Lion. I wanted so much to keep the relationship that i have with Lion that i was willing to control it. It was a thought that crossed my mind yesterday and a thought that crossed me all day today. But it was like, God was like, "STOP RIGHT THERE CHILD." The sermon leader used a car analogy as an example of us humans and the God dynamic. She said, "imagine that you are sitting in the passenger seat while the maker of your benz is driving, but you want to intercede and drive it instead." That struck me like a chord. Another girl said, "people like to think that when you let God take control you can have gray. There is no gray. Letting God take control is a black and white matter. You either let him in or you dont." RING. STRIKE. Another point made was, "How do you treat people that you dont trust?" Immediately that one hit the nail on the head. I want to take control, because i dont TRUST in God. I dont. I say that i do, i preach it, i pray it. Yet, i wont let him have this little part of my life, because I THINK i know better. Without the trust, the communication is hindered. The dynamic is lost. From right then, i knew what i had to do--but again, i didnt know how. I guess it's only Monday. I have more contemplation and praying to do.
But of course, we sang and once again my spirits were uplifted. RIght after, i went to go get a bite to eat and met up with Asha, two other people and more importantly, Will. I havent spoken to him since the first couple weeks of school and tonight was the first night since then. He sat down and within minutes we were joking. Even Asha was like, "You guys are like, best friends how have you guys not have met?" Will and I just stared at each other and laughed, because we had fooled her into thinking that we had never met each other in our whole lives. Even though we were rattling off random infomation about each other that we learned all those weeks ago. He walked me back up to my dorm and helped me out with passing out flyers. I dont know what to make of him yet. I dont plan to make of anything. I just feel like God's message was loud and clear. Like it says in the bible, i have to hold still. Hold still and do nothing while God is readying himself to give me the go. So right now, everything is on hold. The only thing not on hold is this essay.
Le sigh. Finish now...
Final Thoughts: I invited DiCaprio to the gospel choir concert. Why? I dont know.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Rolling.
Today was such a wonderful day.
After a WONDERFUL night at a concert, my best friend came back to my dorm, slept over and we hung out until it was time for her to take her hitch ride home.
Her leaving, made me realize how much i miss her.
How much i missed laughing, and just being with someone that was on that level of humor, and discussion.
Gosh, she's the greatest.
She left and of course the isolation settled in.
Then i went to go and get dinner and sat down and met this WONDERFUL person named Treasure.
My goodness. I might have to keep her around.
We sat there, engaged in small talk, then CLICK all of a sudden, we realized we had the same moral beliefs, the same passions, the same things.
Naturally, i feel like i'm a conservative person
and sometimes, people naturally dont get it.
people get like what? "A life of no sex?" what?
And yes, it's due to my religious reasons but it's a big ethic reason as well.
Anyway, we both just connected on that base and from there on we tumbled into a discussion and into conversation and i ended up really really liking her.
I was so happy to meet her. It literally elated my heart. Again, a person on the same level as me.
Today and yesterday was a Lion-less day. At first, i felt like i really wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him about my concert, then i had a feeling that maybe he might not want to know. Or--it'd be irrelevant to him. I dont know why, but i had that feeling. Then all of a sudden, i didnt want to talk to him. I sent him a message the other day talking about space. Yesterday, i came home late and couldnt speak to him, and now today i missed him on the chat. And he's not around so i think i'm going to take it as a sign for now. This space has been doing good. It's been hard--mostly because i miss him--but i mean...we are broken up. We are friends, this will happen.
There are just things we both need to do.
He's made it clear that he's got stuff to do. same here with me.
Just gotta roll with the punches.
I actually made a personal goal also. One of them (inspired by Treasure) is to feel more secure in myself when it comes to looks.
It's ridiculous to me how quick compliments bounce off me sometimes.
Sometimes, i'm so oblivious to the outside world, i cant even tell when someone is hitting on me, or complimenting me. Mostly because im thinking, "no--they werent trying to do that"
But in reality they were.
Then right after the guy walks away, i get sly looks from everyone and im staring blankly, until they relay a different version of the scenario that just took place 5 seconds ago.
Le sigh.
After a WONDERFUL night at a concert, my best friend came back to my dorm, slept over and we hung out until it was time for her to take her hitch ride home.
Her leaving, made me realize how much i miss her.
How much i missed laughing, and just being with someone that was on that level of humor, and discussion.
Gosh, she's the greatest.
She left and of course the isolation settled in.
Then i went to go and get dinner and sat down and met this WONDERFUL person named Treasure.
My goodness. I might have to keep her around.
We sat there, engaged in small talk, then CLICK all of a sudden, we realized we had the same moral beliefs, the same passions, the same things.
Naturally, i feel like i'm a conservative person
and sometimes, people naturally dont get it.
people get like what? "A life of no sex?" what?
And yes, it's due to my religious reasons but it's a big ethic reason as well.
Anyway, we both just connected on that base and from there on we tumbled into a discussion and into conversation and i ended up really really liking her.
I was so happy to meet her. It literally elated my heart. Again, a person on the same level as me.
Today and yesterday was a Lion-less day. At first, i felt like i really wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him about my concert, then i had a feeling that maybe he might not want to know. Or--it'd be irrelevant to him. I dont know why, but i had that feeling. Then all of a sudden, i didnt want to talk to him. I sent him a message the other day talking about space. Yesterday, i came home late and couldnt speak to him, and now today i missed him on the chat. And he's not around so i think i'm going to take it as a sign for now. This space has been doing good. It's been hard--mostly because i miss him--but i mean...we are broken up. We are friends, this will happen.
There are just things we both need to do.
He's made it clear that he's got stuff to do. same here with me.
Just gotta roll with the punches.
I actually made a personal goal also. One of them (inspired by Treasure) is to feel more secure in myself when it comes to looks.
It's ridiculous to me how quick compliments bounce off me sometimes.
Sometimes, i'm so oblivious to the outside world, i cant even tell when someone is hitting on me, or complimenting me. Mostly because im thinking, "no--they werent trying to do that"
But in reality they were.
Then right after the guy walks away, i get sly looks from everyone and im staring blankly, until they relay a different version of the scenario that just took place 5 seconds ago.
Le sigh.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Complicada as usual.
I know everything in my life lately has been about Lion.
I know it has.
And not that i'm saying that it being that way is a wrong thing.
But in truth, with the state that things are right now with my school work and our conversations becoming weirdly bipolar it's just causing pressure on me.
Not pressure in where i feel trapped and cant get out.
It's more of pressure of, gosh what if i say something that hurts him. Or what if i say something and then all of a sudden that's it?
His mood is as quick as a switch.
It's hard to talk to someone that is that way sometimes. You're constantly on edge and hoping that one thing doesnt just set the avalanche going.
I think it's great that we broke up.
Of course i have my heart strings still greatly and solidly attached to him,
but that doesnt mean that sometimes, im just sick of it all.
Sick of all the bipolar conversations.
He tells me he loves me, and i know he told me he's going to say that because he has to express himself.
I wish i could be able to do that without hurting a little.
When i say those words, it's like my heart saying "then why did you break up with him??" then i feel desperate and will probably end up disregarding the bigger reason as to why i broke up with him in the first place.
Honestly, there is no telling what is going to happen.
No telling.
We just need space.
I think he does moreso than i do to be honest.
I still think there are so many things that he needs to do, without me being there at all. At all.
Sometimes, i sit down and think. I know he still loves me...
but what about all this pressure that i give him--this pressure to prove himself to me so adequately (because he explains thats a big problem for him)
What about his ex. (oh god especially that one)
I dont believe for one second he is over her.
I believe that he sees her in school and still possesses that string of longing for her.
That was a big reason for my breakup as well. I hated feeling second rate.
I hate that feeling.
I kinda want him over her forever and completely if there is even the idea of getting back together.
I am probably going home to visit the week after this one.
And i plan to visit him.
I wonder how that will go since we are "friends" now.
But onto better ideas/news.
I suppose this will be the first time that i'll be living my life on the edge.
I'm going to a rap concert tomorrow.
My beloved best friend will be coming and spending DAH night wiff me!
AHHHHHHH! so happay.
I need someone so badly right now. That constant feeling of isolation creeps in and out of my soul.
I love my kikiliki. shes like, the person that goes ham with me.
I say shit. and she laughs.
I say shit. She gets mad and calls me out on it.
I cant wait to talk to her all night. I miss that so much.
I'm probably not looking forward to the concert as much as seeing her.
For now, finish the paper assignment that i KNOW i got to get done.
I know it has.
And not that i'm saying that it being that way is a wrong thing.
But in truth, with the state that things are right now with my school work and our conversations becoming weirdly bipolar it's just causing pressure on me.
Not pressure in where i feel trapped and cant get out.
It's more of pressure of, gosh what if i say something that hurts him. Or what if i say something and then all of a sudden that's it?
His mood is as quick as a switch.
It's hard to talk to someone that is that way sometimes. You're constantly on edge and hoping that one thing doesnt just set the avalanche going.
I think it's great that we broke up.
Of course i have my heart strings still greatly and solidly attached to him,
but that doesnt mean that sometimes, im just sick of it all.
Sick of all the bipolar conversations.
He tells me he loves me, and i know he told me he's going to say that because he has to express himself.
I wish i could be able to do that without hurting a little.
When i say those words, it's like my heart saying "then why did you break up with him??" then i feel desperate and will probably end up disregarding the bigger reason as to why i broke up with him in the first place.
Honestly, there is no telling what is going to happen.
No telling.
We just need space.
I think he does moreso than i do to be honest.
I still think there are so many things that he needs to do, without me being there at all. At all.
Sometimes, i sit down and think. I know he still loves me...
but what about all this pressure that i give him--this pressure to prove himself to me so adequately (because he explains thats a big problem for him)
What about his ex. (oh god especially that one)
I dont believe for one second he is over her.
I believe that he sees her in school and still possesses that string of longing for her.
That was a big reason for my breakup as well. I hated feeling second rate.
I hate that feeling.
I kinda want him over her forever and completely if there is even the idea of getting back together.
I am probably going home to visit the week after this one.
And i plan to visit him.
I wonder how that will go since we are "friends" now.
But onto better ideas/news.
I suppose this will be the first time that i'll be living my life on the edge.
I'm going to a rap concert tomorrow.
My beloved best friend will be coming and spending DAH night wiff me!
AHHHHHHH! so happay.
I need someone so badly right now. That constant feeling of isolation creeps in and out of my soul.
I love my kikiliki. shes like, the person that goes ham with me.
I say shit. and she laughs.
I say shit. She gets mad and calls me out on it.
I cant wait to talk to her all night. I miss that so much.
I'm probably not looking forward to the concert as much as seeing her.
For now, finish the paper assignment that i KNOW i got to get done.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
It needed to come to an end.
I called kiki. Told her about the letter i sent to Lion.
I needed to. I needed to finish things. There were loose ends untied from my end.
It bothered me. I didnt like the feeling of pretending to being friends with him, while in the back of my mind, still wondering if we'd get back together anytime soon.
It caused me stress.
Caused me bitterness.
Caused me unrest.
All these emotions that i didnt want to feel anymore. It took up my life. I just wanted to be free. Feel free emotionally at least.
So i did it. I sent him a letter explaining that i just wanted to be friends and nothing more. I said it without the intention or hopes of getting back together in the future because saying it with it, was even harder.
Even though i dont truly believe that's what i want. But i got to leave it up to fate.
Not unless fate steers it that way. But as of now, i am no expert as to knowing what fate has in store for ME, not to even talk of me and Lion together.
He has his things to work out.
And as for me, i'm working on those things right now.
As much as i fought myself all weekend from sending him that letter-i knew it was right. Because even though there will be moment of regret and sadness for permanently breaking it off with him romantically, i know that in the long run good will come out of it.
That's ultimately what it leads to.
I'm going to miss being held, kissed, told sweet things, feeling utterly in love and girly
But at least i will not miss the feeling of connecting with someone.
In fact, this will be a test between me and Lion.
So far we have weathered fine. That was really just a fleeting moment of worry.
Either way, it doesnt change how these last months have happened. A very
VERY interesting first relationship. I dont regret it one bit. But i know what to do next time, whether it be with him, or not.
As of now, i will enjoy the single life. Loving freely. Doing what i love.
In fact, my best friend will be visiting me on Thursday and sleeping over at my dorm after we go to a rap concert.
I'm ready for life.
I'm ready for new challenges.
I'm ready for God.
I'm ready for friendships again.
I even told my sister about my breakup. More because of the fact that she'd see my relationship status change and end up blabbing and alarming my mom.
So i warned her ahead of time.
I got a really interesting response from her. It was like, all the months that i thought she didnt care, she seemed to.
I tell her about the breakup and she goes:
"AW, i hope you guys get back together though, i liked him."
oh really now?
"I thought you didnt care!"
"Yeah, i dont...lol but he's a nice guy"
Interesante no?
I needed to. I needed to finish things. There were loose ends untied from my end.
It bothered me. I didnt like the feeling of pretending to being friends with him, while in the back of my mind, still wondering if we'd get back together anytime soon.
It caused me stress.
Caused me bitterness.
Caused me unrest.
All these emotions that i didnt want to feel anymore. It took up my life. I just wanted to be free. Feel free emotionally at least.
So i did it. I sent him a letter explaining that i just wanted to be friends and nothing more. I said it without the intention or hopes of getting back together in the future because saying it with it, was even harder.
Even though i dont truly believe that's what i want. But i got to leave it up to fate.
Not unless fate steers it that way. But as of now, i am no expert as to knowing what fate has in store for ME, not to even talk of me and Lion together.
He has his things to work out.
And as for me, i'm working on those things right now.
As much as i fought myself all weekend from sending him that letter-i knew it was right. Because even though there will be moment of regret and sadness for permanently breaking it off with him romantically, i know that in the long run good will come out of it.
That's ultimately what it leads to.
I'm going to miss being held, kissed, told sweet things, feeling utterly in love and girly
But at least i will not miss the feeling of connecting with someone.
In fact, this will be a test between me and Lion.
So far we have weathered fine. That was really just a fleeting moment of worry.
Either way, it doesnt change how these last months have happened. A very
VERY interesting first relationship. I dont regret it one bit. But i know what to do next time, whether it be with him, or not.
As of now, i will enjoy the single life. Loving freely. Doing what i love.
In fact, my best friend will be visiting me on Thursday and sleeping over at my dorm after we go to a rap concert.
I'm ready for life.
I'm ready for new challenges.
I'm ready for God.
I'm ready for friendships again.
I even told my sister about my breakup. More because of the fact that she'd see my relationship status change and end up blabbing and alarming my mom.
So i warned her ahead of time.
I got a really interesting response from her. It was like, all the months that i thought she didnt care, she seemed to.
I tell her about the breakup and she goes:
"AW, i hope you guys get back together though, i liked him."
oh really now?
"I thought you didnt care!"
"Yeah, i dont...lol but he's a nice guy"
Interesante no?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
And (almost) 7 months later.
I think it's over. For real this time. Im not sure. But im willing to bet that this outcome best for everything.
Lion needs it.
I'm still his friend, dont get me wrong, but there is something weird that...i feel.
Like...liberation. I dont know. Maybe it's just the first hour.
Surprisingly, as i thought i would, im not bawling and crying. I think i'm okay with this. At least i havent lost him as a friend or something. He'll always bee in mah heart.
In other news:
current song: independent woman by destinys child
MUST.
FINISH.
BIO.
HOMEWORK.
Lion needs it.
I'm still his friend, dont get me wrong, but there is something weird that...i feel.
Like...liberation. I dont know. Maybe it's just the first hour.
Surprisingly, as i thought i would, im not bawling and crying. I think i'm okay with this. At least i havent lost him as a friend or something. He'll always bee in mah heart.
In other news:
current song: independent woman by destinys child
MUST.
FINISH.
BIO.
HOMEWORK.
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